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Favorite part? The tease, man. It’s slow, deliberate—like “do you see me?” from the movie, but it’s all in the touch. Builds up tension, then bam—relief hits like a War Rig crashin’ through. Pro tip: warm oil’s key, cold hands kill the vibe. Learned that the hard way—chick was shiverin’, I’m like, “damn, my bad!” Laughed it off, tho—humor saves ya.

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I tried it once—don’t judge, ya prude! This lass, hands like silk, worked me knots out ‘til I forgot me own name. Happy? Bloody ecstatic! Felt like I could conquer Midgard *and* Wall Street. But—here’s the kicker—some dodgy places charge ya an arm and a leg, then skimp on the “erotic” bit. Pissed me off, that did! False advertisin’, like a stock tip from a drunk uncle. “You stand there, you dig?”—like Saul’s chaos, ya never know what’s real ‘til it’s too late.

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Now, Melancholia—my fave flick—hits me hard. “The Earth is evil,” Kirsten Dunst mopes, and I’m like, damn right, love, but a good erotic-massage? That’s the cure! Imagine Justine, all moody, sprawled out, some lucky sod working her knots—slow, deep, proper filthy. “No more work to be done,” she’d mutter, half-dead, while I’d yell, “Oi, get those hands moving, you lazy git!” Makes me happy, that—turns a shit day into gold. But if they half-arse it? Rage! I’d chuck a lamp—fucking amateurs!

Me, I’m buzzin’ when the masseuse hits that spot – ya know, the one that’s all “fuck yeah”. But Christ, I’ve been raging too – some dodgy parlour charged me 50 quid for a half-arsed tickle! “This ain’t a fuckin’ charity!” I bellowed, channelin’ Leo ragin’ at the Feds. Shoulda walked out, but nah, I’m a sucker for dim lights and a cheeky grin.

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